Coping with A year of Grief and Loss

by Mary
(North Carolina, USA)

It is June 25th 2010 and I am sitting here looking at the 2010 Memorial Quilt on this site and it breaks my heart to see 4 of my precious feline babies there as well as ALL the other cats that other people like me have lost this year so far.

It makes me wonder if there is any other way that others have found to cope with this horrible Grief and loss of our feline companions?

I lost Salem Louise in January to liver disease. (She was 12 yrs old)

I lost my Snickers in February to kidney failure. (She was 13 years old)

Then on June 5th I had the unpleasant task of having to put down TWO of my babies the same morning. IT NEARLY KILLED ME.

Rocky was 16 and dying of cancer. I could not let him suffer anymore.

Lola was a shock. (She was only 4 yrs old)
She fell off the kitchen counter the night before I was to take Rockey in to be put down. She came into the livingroom after the fall dragging her hind legs behind her.

I thought she had broken her back but amazing thing was when I handled her she had NO PAIN. She was paralyzed that suddenly and quick.
Of course the next day at the vet I got the bad news that she has a tumor on her spine and it was the tumor that caused her to fall. WHAT A SHOCK!!!!
She had never once showed any sign of being in pain or having difficulty.

So this year is halfway gone and I have lost 4 of the reasons that I live everyday.

Yes, I have other cats and I ADORE them ALL, but I am having GREAT difficulty dealing with this past 6 months and so much loss. How can any individual CRY so much and not dry up?

Everywhere I go in the house, I expect to see them playing with kitty toys or napping in the sunshine but then reality sets in and I remember that my babies are truly GONE.

I know they say time heals the heart but I'm not sure that is always true because I can't imagine EVER not dying inside over the loss of these cats.

Ok, call me a crazy cat lady or call me insane, but these animals were ALL rescues that I took off the streets and gave them a new lease of life with a lot of love and affection and care that I gave them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

And to lose even ONE of them is bad enough but 4 in one year is DEVASTATING.

Last weekend was a weekend that I nearly broke when I found my little "Mama Calico, listless and unable to stand or eat or drink. She was fine the night before but Saturday night, I found her hiding behind the sofa and almost un-responsive.

I called the vet who was out of town till Monday.
The emergency clinic was closed as it was late at night.
I made her a little cozy bed beside me and I cuddled with her and held her close all Saturday night (fully expecting her to die before morning). She was THAT BAD OFF!
I offered her syringes of water and I dabbed small bits of wet food on her lips to encourage her to eat and she would not. I awoke every hour or so and checked to see if she was breathing as I was afraid my Mama Calico was surely leaving me like Lola did (Suddenly and without warning).

I cradled Mama Calico in my arms and cried into her fur and BEGGED her to PLEASE not leave me and to get well. I prayed like I have never prayed that God would PLEASE spare this little girl that I loved so much and had worked so hard to save from once being feral to now an indoor domestic cat.

Thoughts of Lola dying and Rocky and Snickers and Salem went through my head all night as I wept for my sweet Mama Calico who was fading away fast and from what,I didnt know.
But Sunday morning I awoke and found her laying but holding her head up.
I offered her some wet food and she attempted to eat alittle.
Off to the vet we went and she was treated for a bad viral infection and I am happy to report that tonight Mama Calico is MUCH better and almost her old self again.
I am so thankful that God spared my little Calico girl as losing a 5th one would have destroyed me. She was a fiesty feral last year and has come a long way so when she scratched me tonight when I tried to medicate her I had to smile because it showed me she had gotton her SPUNKY attitude back.

So I am grateful that she was spared but my heart still breaks and grieves for Lola and Rocky and Salem and Snickers. 2010 has not been a kind year.

Im sorry to write and BOO HOO to everyone here but I knew that here on this site would be where people UNDERSTAND!
My family and friends say "Awwww it was JUST A CAT"!
NO, they was not JUST CATS.
They was a part of my life that gave me purpose.
They loved me unconditionally.
They never cared how my hair looked or what I was wearing.
They never lied to me or stole from me.
They never hit me or hurt me.
(Yes, I have been in abusive relationships before)
THEY was why I WANTED to get up and have a good day.

So, for those of you who dont know the love of a CAT then take it from me.
LOSING JUST ONE is heartbreaking but 4 in 6 months is devastating.
So yes, I'm dealing with Grief and Loss in a large way and my heart has lost a big chunk out of it BUT I go on and survive because of my OTHER babies that remain and need me. I am BLESSED with the love of so many wonderful CATS!!!!
Thanks for letting me ramble on and cry on your shoulders tonight.

Mary in NC USA

Comment from Kate
Hi
dear Mary I know the pain you are feeling and so i totally understand how you must be feeling. i guess giving your heart to so many cats at one time inevitably means that you are in for lost of heart ache at some point.

i once heard a quote in a film which said "the pain now is part of the happiness The". I guess it means that it is all part of the loving and giving, the loosing.

You know Mary deep down that you made a great difference to these cats lives here on earth, what a gift. And if you are like me and believe that we will meet our furry friends again when we too move on, then you know the happiness will return.

God bless you Mary, take heart and look into your cats eyes and see the love they have for you there. This will hold your heart together.

love kate